To be honest I'm battling. I have one child who can read and write and one who can not. Also the one who can not has learning difficulties and it is a challenge to get him to focus in any way shape or form!
I was fighting an over whelming fear that I am going to fail my kids, I am going to fail my family, I am going to fail those who I minister to, I am going to fail God. Cause I have to be perfect right??!!!
I found myself on the brink of no return on a daily basis, tears were threatening to fall and I couldn't control it at all. I was spiraling.
We are not making it on a financial level. Not even close to making it. I am working for the church and make a wage that covers car payment and that's about it.
My work with the street girls is funded out of my own pocket. And I find myself questioning what the future is.
Do we just pack it all in and go back to the UK where education and health care is free? Where we can get 'REAL' jobs, Where we have the support of family. Where we can live in a real house with hot water and no termites and a working bathroom.
Do we move back to New York where half of my heart was left and get back into ministry there?
Do we? Do we? Do we?
NO WE DON'T!
We HAVE to stay here, we have to stick it out cause that is what He called us to do. He has a plan. It's HUGE! It scares the snot out of me. I don't know where to begin. I dont know how to get it going. BUT He does. He has a plan. He knows the begining and the end. He holds the finances and the blue print. He knows every detail and He wants us to be a part of this great plan.
And so in the mean time I trust. I trust that He will provide groceries and fuel. He will provide rent and car payment. He will provide energy and excitement for me to teach my children well. He will give me a vision and focus and courage for me to walk in the calling that He has spoken over me.
He will provide the extra hours in the day for me to get it all done, and done well.
He has been speaking this word to me for the past few days. I battle to be still. Like REALLY battle. I feel like I need to be in control of things, I need the answer and I need to to be nice and concise. So this word from Him is taking effort.
The past couple of weeks at church have been intricate in my being able to follow this word. I have been given a couple of words from God about this coming year, a year of freedom and jubilee. A year of new beginnings and victory. I believe the word of God. I believe in prophetic words. So these words spoken over me by leaders and friends are something that I will be holding close to my heart at this time.
I feel so blessed and loved by Him. That He chooses to speak in to my life in all areas. That He loves me enough to hold me close and let me rest in His presence.
2014 is going to be a great year. Cause HE told me so!
2 comments:
I just sucked in my breath while reading this post. So many times, though our lives are very different, I have read my own words in yours, my own feelings in yours..but when I read the words "new beginnings" my heart leapt...because that is the word God gave me too this year. That my theme for 2014 is new beginnings!
I have been studying Ezekiel since Sept. and have wrestled with God through it. But chapter 24 nearly overwhelmed me. God had called Ezekiel to do some wild and crazy things to get disobedient Israels attention. but in this chapter he tells Ezekiel that that evening he is going to take the delight of his eyes (his wife) and he is not to mourn her or cry in public as a sign to Israel that they are about to lose the delight of their eyes (jerusalem). I could not understand it...the one man who is doing ALL that God asked him and He would take his wife?!! for a people that were not even listening?!! I thought it was too much to ask. but as I wrestled with it I realized I baulked at it because He was asking me to do hard things in my life too. and it scared me what other things He would ask of me. I found a GREAT sermon by a scottish pastor and through it also realized my PRIDE. That I felt because I was doing all that God asked me, I had the "right" for it to turn out well. Or the "right" to be vindicated. or the "right" to not lose our job. and that is pride...I don't have any "rights". I gave those over when I accepted God's free gift of salvation. HE is the one who has the right to ask of me anything that brings Him glory.
So as I start this year, I am starting it with a new trust...fully trusting Him for my future. Looking at each day thankfully and asking what He has for me to do. Not letting fear take away from my faith.
sorry this is so long. but I just couldn't hold back the words. :) praying for you sister.
Sara thank you so much for this! I am heading over to Ezekiel now. I feel so encouraged by your comment. thank you . xx
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