Sunday, September 15, 2013

what is it?

We are in this battle and I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I don't know why this battle is so intense and so unending. All I want is to be able to feed and clothe my family and to have a home that is ours, with no chance of it being ripped out from under our feet at any moment. Any extra goes to ministry. So why the blockage?
We KNOW that He has called us here. We KNOW that quitting is NOT an option. He KNOWS that we will do what it takes to see His will done in our lives. We have proved this over and over.
We could have quit a thousand times and no one would have blamed us... but quitting is NOT an option as far as we are concerned. So why do we spend our days holding our breath?

Not knowing if we will make it to church or to take the kids to school because the petrol light is on. Not knowing what I am going to feed my family because the fridge is empty and all we have is lentils and a bag of flour, I thank Him for my hens that feed us with their eggs every day. ( we defiantly get enough protein)
We do not get to take our children on vacation. We do not even get to shower with hot water. We live on a beautiful property that we believe God has placed us on but the reality is we could loose our home at any moment. I have no certainty in my life other than we will NOT quit. That is the one certainty that I hold onto. The knowing that HE has called us and He will not let us fall.

So if I have this certainty why do I feel so unsettled? Why am I scared? Why am I so tired? The pure fact that I am feeling these things stresses me out even more, cause surely if my faith is strong then I wouldn't feel like this?!

He is showing me some things in my life that need "tweeking" I know that I need to let go. The part of me that is desperate for certainty is infact the part of me that wants for control. I need to let go. I need to surrender, but its so hard for me.

Is this C.S Lewis quote what He wants me to know? That His destiny for me is extraordinary? That I have to go through this? Its a hard pill to swallow, this time of hardship has been years long. Its like the tap has been turned on but that water pipe is blocked and the water just drips out. Slowly and sporadically. There is no consistency, and this is what I find so very hard.

So please pray for us. Please pray for the blockage to be revealed to us. Please pray that He gives us the strength and means means to continue on this journey. That He guides us and teaches us how to trust Him, even more than we already do.

Love and appreciate you all.


sara said...

Vashti, I so related to this post. Though our circumstances are very, very different, I am in the same place with God in my ministry. We have struggled in our ministry for 7 years when we took over an unhealthy church and this last year it has been so very hard. We know the leaders (not the people) want us to leave, but we know MORE that God called us here and has NOT released us. I KNOW He will take care of us, but this last year I have fluctuated between peace and fear. I recently heard a song that really hit home...You are I AM by Mercy Me. Reminding me He is God and I am not..though I don't understand, His ways are perfect. He reminds me that He sent Isaiah to Israel and told him ahead of time that they would NOT listen but I want you to take the message anyway. He reminds me to keep telling the message He has given me no matter where I am. I recently read a life changing book "A shepherd looks at Psalm 23" that reminded me how much work He has done in my favor BEFORE I even came to this circumstance. How like a shepherd He has diligently worked to prepare a good way for me.

There are still days of fear..wondering if we will be fired...but then I turn to my journal and remember all these things (and more) and He brings me back into the safety of His lap and I am calm.

He encouraged me this week with an old worship pastor that came back to my husband and apologized for all the trouble he caused him. He admitted to starting fires in the congregation and throwing gasoline on them. I never would have expected this man to do this and if we had left, we never would have received this apology.

I still don't know why we are here, but I plan to serve 100% until HE moves us. sorry this is so long!! I would love to send you the book I spoke about..would you send me your address? sarawbowyerATmsnDOTcom

Please know that I am praying for you and your family.

lindsey said...

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Courtney Laib said...

Just put 48 gbp in your PayPal account. Don't know how far that will go but I'm hoping to send more soon. Love you.