We are in this battle and I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I don't know why this battle is so intense and so unending. All I want is to be able to feed and clothe my family and to have a home that is ours, with no chance of it being ripped out from under our feet at any moment. Any extra goes to ministry. So why the blockage?
We KNOW that He has called us here. We KNOW that quitting is NOT an option. He KNOWS that we will do what it takes to see His will done in our lives. We have proved this over and over.
We could have quit a thousand times and no one would have blamed us... but quitting is NOT an option as far as we are concerned. So why do we spend our days holding our breath?
Not knowing if we will make it to church or to take the kids to school because the petrol light is on. Not knowing what I am going to feed my family because the fridge is empty and all we have is lentils and a bag of flour, I thank Him for my hens that feed us with their eggs every day. ( we defiantly get enough protein)
We do not get to take our children on vacation. We do not even get to shower with hot water. We live on a beautiful property that we believe God has placed us on but the reality is we could loose our home at any moment. I have no certainty in my life other than we will NOT quit. That is the one certainty that I hold onto. The knowing that HE has called us and He will not let us fall.
So if I have this certainty why do I feel so unsettled? Why am I scared? Why am I so tired? The pure fact that I am feeling these things stresses me out even more, cause surely if my faith is strong then I wouldn't feel like this?!
He is showing me some things in my life that need "tweeking" I know that I need to let go. The part of me that is desperate for certainty is infact the part of me that wants for control. I need to let go. I need to surrender, but its so hard for me.
Is this C.S Lewis quote what He wants me to know? That His destiny for me is extraordinary? That I have to go through this? Its a hard pill to swallow, this time of hardship has been years long. Its like the tap has been turned on but that water pipe is blocked and the water just drips out. Slowly and sporadically. There is no consistency, and this is what I find so very hard.
So please pray for us. Please pray for the blockage to be revealed to us. Please pray that He gives us the strength and means means to continue on this journey. That He guides us and teaches us how to trust Him, even more than we already do.
Love and appreciate you all.