Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Things change. I'm not great with change. I'm working on it. He's helping me. I fight it. He gently guides me. It's going to be OK. Its going to be great. Life is amazing. He is in control. And breathe........
This has been my internal dialogue for the past few months. Things have transformed, grown, and down right changed over the past few months. I can pin point the catalyst for this personal and family movement to the day when we listened to God and stepped out in obedience and changed churches. It was a big move for us. The church that we were members of was awesome, we loved it, but we knew that God was on the move. We were at a point in our marriage, ministry, family and personal lives where we needed to move or die. Yes it really was that desperate. Some thing HAD to give or we had to return to the UK (which was not an option as far as we were concerned).
For years we had been alone. We had no support system here in South Africa. No family, no strong friendships, no accountability. Just us and the ministry. And it wasn't going well. We were tired, burnt out and in need of a good kick in the butt. And that kick came. We had zero money! When I say ZERO I literally mean ZERO. I remember one day sitting on my bed in tears crying out to God asking Him to provide food for dinner. We had 4 eggs (thank God for my hens) and nothing else. Martin had left the house to walk the 9km to an ATM on the off chance that someone had put some money in our account. We had no car, no money for a Zulu taxi and so he decided to walk. I had no way of even contacting my parents as my phone had run out of credit to even send a text message. So I sat on my bed literally begging God for some money to buy bread for my children.
I felt like a failure, what kind of mother was I? Why had it gotten to this point? We KNEW that God had called us here so what was this wall that we were facing?
We had had amazing supporters and the ministry with the orphans was going so well and then out of nowhere we hit this wall..... or rather the wall hit us. It was the most sever, painful and obvious attack we had ever been through and it was coming from all sides. Our supporters started to pull out, telling us that they could no longer afford to support us, the more people pulled out the smaller the ministry became until one day we realized that there was no actual way that we could continue. My heart broke as the reality of it all kicked in. Over 100 orphans and their extended families were no longer going to be fed or educated due to the demise of Project O. My heart is still so heavy as I sit here and think about it. Yet again I felt like a failure, what kind of "missionary" was I? Why had it gotten to this point? We KNEW that God had called us here so what was this wall that we were facing?
Life looked NOTHING like it did in our dreams. It was a nightmare of epic proportions. And I just wanted to wake up. But I didn't know how. Something had to change. At first I didn't know what. Was it Mart? Did he have to change? He was the head of the household after all. Was it where we were? Was our time in SA up? Were we supposed to move to another country? Back to NYC maybe? Was it the ministry? Were we supposed to be reaching out to some other people group? On and on went this internal dialogue, it wouldn't stop and I was going nuts.
As I sat on the edge of my bed waiting for Mart to come back with or with out bread, I asked God what needed to change. His answer was one that I 100% did not want to hear. What needed to change? ME. I had to change. I had to stop being the victim in my story and stand up and become the heroine. And only I could take that step. OH POO!( I actually used a less acceptable word but as my mother reads my blog I wont use it now ;-)
So with out talking to any one, not even Mart, I decided to work on myself. After all that is the only person who I could change. I started to speak words of encouragement in all situations. I started thanking God in advance for what He was going to do in our family and in the ministry. I thanked Him for our health, for providing my children with a great education (at that point we had no money for school fees and was homeschooling) I thanked Him for the friends and South African family that He was going to give us and I thanked Him for the new church family that He was going to put us in.
I knew that He was moving us to a new church. We just had to be obedient and take the step. The moment we did our life radically changed. In an instant. Now I'm not saying that our new church is the answer to all our problems, not at all. It was the act of obedience and faith that we walked in that caused God to move. It wasn't an easy step, we really loved our other church. We loved the leaders. But we KNEW that we had to do this. So we did. And He started to move.
The very first service that we attended we KNEW that we belonged, that we had come home. With in a week we had a whole new support group rallying around us. Lifting us up. Loving us and cheering us on. It was AMAZING! God knew exactly what we needed and He started lavishing it on us in the way that only a Father can.
Miracle after miracle started to happen. Money and provision came in from places that we still don't know. He provided school placements for both boys in the schools that we had dreamed of putting them in. Even though they hadn't been on the waiting list. Things were transforming and it was so cool.
It hasn't all been easy, remember I don't do well with change, but it has been necessary.
This is a journey. Its a continuous renewing and transforming and I'm embracing it. He is giving me the strength and encouragement that I need to keep going and not settle. This post has to come to an end for now, otherwise it will just keep going and going. I will post again soon about what else He has done.... you wont believe it!!!
Romans 12:2 says...
2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
I want his perfect will for my life, for my marriage, for my family, for the ministry. In all that I do and say and am. His perfect will, His perfect plan. So I will let myself be pliable, transformable. ALL for His glory, ALL for His will, ALL for His kingdom.